The Internet has forever blurred the line between fidelity and infidelity. You can now find porn that is more interactive than ever, and it can be hard to tell if phone sex is cheating. Below are some guidelines to help you understand whether phone sex would be acceptable in your relationship.
What It Means to Be Committed
If you’re in a romantic relationship, you have a certain level of commitment to your partner. What that commitment means to you can vary widely. In mature relationships, both people value their partner’s emotional safety as well as stated and unstated wishes. In unhealthy relationships, each partner will seek to see what they can get away with and push their partner’s boundaries as far as possible.
However, healthy relationships also require partners to mutually respect each other’s privacy and independence. And, if they want the relationship to be long-term, they should be able to talk openly about what they want in their sex lives.
Having the Commitment Discussion
Every relationship has different rules, so it’s crucial to discuss what you both feel comfortable with—and what you don’t. Before you can create sustainable sexual boundaries, you must be thoughtful about what you need in a relationship to feel cared for and happy.
An excellent place to start is to ask yourself whether you would be okay with your partner having phone sex. If so, maybe phone sex would be a completely fine activity. All too often, people are willing to ask anyone except their partner whether phone sex is cheating. But the most important person you can talk to about it is your partner.
Each couple has different sexual boundaries and knowing why you chose the boundaries you did is essential to the health of your relationship. Some people are fine as long as nothing physical happens—your partner won’t have to worry about contracting an STI or worry about an unplanned pregnancy. Other people would feel very betrayed if their partner visited a strip club. And some would fly into a jealous rage if their partner commented with the heart-eyes emoji on someone else’s Instagram post.
Jealousy is an intensely subjective experience, so it’s worth digging into finding out what triggers your jealousy before trying to loosen the sexual boundaries of your relationship. If you believe that nothing would make you jealous, there’s a chance that you are stifling your emotions or that you’re with a partner that you’re not invested in.
Next, talk about specific scenarios. If you’re both comfortable enjoying porn, would spending time with a cammer cross the line? Do the rules change if you know the person who is on the other end of the line? Discussing each specific situation shows that you care about each other’s comfort, which will help minimize miscommunication down the line.
Phone Sex Can Be a Part of a Healthy, Committed Relationship
There are a lot of reasons that phone sex could work well with a committed relationship. Certainly, you could have phone sex with each other. But, phone sex—even with other people—is sometimes great for your sex life. Sex is often hotter when you are exploring taboos.
Ask polyamorous couples, and you will find that the idea of your partner being sexually interested in someone else (in a way that’s emotionally safe for you) can often be incredibly hot. It can help you remember that your partner is an individual, sexual being. And some phone sex professionals even talk about how they create meaningful connections with people through phone sex, like in the video below:
Sometimes, the sex cools in relationships because there is not enough space to remember that even when you’ve been a couple for decades, you’re still individuals with needs, thoughts, and desires that are entirely your own. You never belong to your partner—not really. And that freedom is sexy.
Plus, phone sex is an easy way to ease into the idea of having a threesome if that’s something you’ve both expressed interest in. You can play around with adding a third and notice what makes you feel aroused and what makes you feel jealous. This insight will make in-person encounters go a lot more smoothly if you choose to continue experimenting.
Safe Phone Sex
If you decide to have phone sex, the most important part is staying safe. Find a site that will protect your privacy and ensure you’re only matching with adults.
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